Interrupted Bliss

I usually hate summertime (much more of a fall and winter girl), but that has changed since Miles has become more independent and outdoor-loving. On those hot days that verge on almost unbearable, we throw our swimsuits on and head to Pismo. Usually my sisters come with us, and we spend the afternoon following Miles around the beach while he chases birds, collects shells, and maintains a calculated distance from the water. We've been going quite a bit, and he's even added "beach" to his vocabulary, which I love. It makes me so happy to see him running around in his little wetsuit and digging holes to climb into. He's definitely a California kid.

Between those moments of playing at the beach or running in the sprinklers, we have spent a lot of time just the two of us- going to the park, reading, making up silly new games. He is constantly growing and changing into this little boy who can articulate his needs and wants and, to my delight, speak his affection. Does it really get any better than when your baby says, "Luh loo!" and gives you a kiss? No. No it does not.

This summer is a very crazy schedule school-wise because I'm taking twelve units in eight weeks. I love the craziness, though. It tests my time management way more than I'm used to, but it's great. I just keep reminding myself, "Only four more weeks!" and then it's on to the next semester, which is going to be huge and daunting but I'm excited and ready (two words I don't usually use when it comes to statistics and pre-calculus, but I'm trying to be optimistic!).

As you can see, I've been a very busy bee. I will try and post more- trust me, I have lots to talk about...it's just finding the time to write it all out!

Light at the End of the Tunnel

In the next couple of days I'll be finishing this semester- whew! This is the first semester I've taken full-time units since Miles has been born and it has been both challenging and extremely rewarding. The most noticeable challenge has been sleep deprivation, since I most often will do my homework after Miles has gone to bed; however, Parker has been absolutely amazing in waking up with Miles a lot of the time so I can rest a little bit more. I really couldn't imagine a better support than him throughout the whole process of me going back to school.

As I was thinking about the "light at the end of the tunnel" in terms of school and more long-term goals, I realized that Parker and Miles are such sources of happiness and love for me on a daily basis. I get caught up a lot of the time in thinking toward the future, but I have been reminded recently that it's just as important to focus on the present time and soak up moments with my family. Admittedly, I do also look forward to what's coming in terms of school because I've been working really hard and it's nice to see the progress. I'm getting to the point now where it's going to be all "fun" classes and that will be a huge reward in and of itself because I'll get to take classes I really enjoy.

When all is said and done, I'm really enjoying where our path is going as a family- Parker has a great job that he loves, Miles will be heading to preschool in January (!), and I will continue on with school and maybe go back to work. We are really blessed.

I hope you're having a great weekend!

Park Hoppin'

Miles and I have been loving the park lately. I usually drive to Starbucks, get my drink and a slice of pumpkin bread for Miles, and then head over to the park where we spend lots of time laughing and playing together. I think my favorite part about going to the park is that normally there isn't a time limit to how long we can stay. It's just a time where everything else fades and it's just me and my boy (although lately we've been bringing my sisters along or meeting friends for playdates). He is growing so much- now he climbs the play structure and can go down the slides all by himself! I love him. Here are some pictures of our recent park outings:

Our Week (In a Nutshell)

Our Week (In a Nutshell) is back! It takes a surprising amount of effort to remember to chronicle our weekly happenings, so I'm making it a priority because Miles is growing and changing so much each day. I don't want to forget anything! He is such a little character lately- constantly making new faces and saying new words. Right now his favorites are "stuck", "yuck", and "truck". (Here's to hoping he doesn't get wind of a certain other word that ends with "uck"!) His favorite thing in the whole wide world is seeing the garbarge truck on Tuesdays- his face lights up and he is mesmerized. It's also maybe my favorite thing in the whole world right now...his joy is infectious.

Pure joy!

Miles's thoughts on the new Bravo show "Married to Medicine"

"Miles, crayons aren't for eating" = The Lip

We took our pups, Gus and Roscoe, to the vet for their yearly checkup and they did great! They are such sweet, goofy dogs and it's so fun to see how much they love walking around with Miles in our yard. Sometimes I feel like Gus and Roscoe are like my first two "fur babies", as I've heard some people call their pets. They have been with Parker and I since we were married and I'm glad Miles will get to grow up with them.

I've been so busy lately! Next Thursday, we're flying to New York City for our long weekend. I can't believe how quickly it's creeping up on us but I'm excited and ready to experience everything NYC has to offer. I've got what I'm calling my "New York best" outfits ready and I have tons of lists (yes, I'm a list maker) of what to pack, our restaurant reservations, what to get ready for Miles, etc. I don't feel like I can sleep well without my lists!

School is going well- I'm in the final seven weeks of the semester and my nose is most definitely to the grindstone. It's nonstop but I really do like being busy. I still have my normal time with Miles, get my homework done whenever he's asleep, and still sneak in my workouts! I thrive on this type of schedule, but I did enjoy the spring break last week.

I hope you all are having a great week!

Make Up Your Mind Already

I am both a very decisive and indecisive person. Is that possible? To make up your mind and never look back, or to sometimes make up your mind and then kinda take quick peeks backward to make sure you're still happy with the decision you've made? I am constantly weighing options. Mostly about school, a lot of the time about shoes or hairstyles and sometimes relationships or family. For example, do I want more babies? The answer in my mind's Magic 8 ball right now is try again later. I am actually very much at peace with the fact that right now I do not want to try to get pregnant. 

For things like career, I've written before about being indecisive in that area. I find it a luxury that I can even be indecisive. I am wholeheartedly continuing my midwifery studies (because, after all, I love birth and I love the science behind it); meanwhile, I have other dreams. I'd love to design and produce a clothing line, or someday open a restaurant. I've had those dreams for years. Sometimes I feel like it's not okay to want to do so many things- this may be my trashy reality TV love talking, but don't the Real Housewives always get harassed for saying, "Oh, my store opens next week, my book is being released in the summer, and my new hit single will be out in the fall"? It almost seems like it's frowned upon to have your fingers in any more than one pie.

I'm taking it one day at a time, but always dreaming and planning and, of course, studying like crazy. I am taking two classes now and have three more starting in April. It's going to be a mad dash to the end of the semester, but I'm ready. 

And now, some photos from this last weekend. Whenever I see these I instantly feel joy and know that a few of my dreams have already come true.

I love his little face and all its expressions.

He's such a little charmer.

My guys. 

Fearless.

Walking with my boy.

He'd much rather push the stroller than be in it!

 Have a great week!

"Things Are Happening!"

The SATC girls are calm, cool, collected. A long weekend in NYC with my man? How lovely.
Liz Lemon/me: "New York- the land of infinite food options! Get a map and a pen- this is not a drill!"

I know, I know- more 30 Rock quotes. Apologies and condolences to those of you who have never watched. You definitely should give it a shot if not to enjoy it then to at least understand many of my quotes. (I am a big fan- I even brought along DVDs to the hospital when I was in labor with Miles. Not sure why... I guess I figured if a woman could have an orgasmic birth- which is a whole other topic and conversation- that I could laugh my way through it? Labor may not be the best time of sound logic.) Anyway, I like the show, and I've been thinking about it and all my other favorite shows based in New York because...drumroll... Parker and I are taking a long weekend there next month! I've never been (I know, horrifying) and can't wait to soak it up. I just know I'll love it. Parker knows too, and is worried that I'll want to move there. It may happen.

I immediately emailed my friend Chrystal, really the only true New Yorker I know, for information. She only scoffed a little at my first and only reservation (before talking to her) at Cipriani Downtown. I didn't know and this is part of the reason I love her- she knows all the good spots to eat and shop. Because as much as I tend to think that Liz Lemon is my spirit animal, I do have a bit a lot of a Carrie Bradshaw shoe thing going on.

This will be the longest I've ever been away from Miles, but I am so so excited to have a nice "grown-up" trip with Parker. It will be amazing, I just know it..

If you are a New Yorker or have visited before, what are your favorite spots? Priority goes to food and shopping, as you can tell.

Have a great week!

Foiled Again

This last weekend I was all over the place! Saturday was my brother's birthday so my mom, sisters, Miles, and I drove to Bakersfield and spent the afternoon with Ernie and my "brother from another mother", Corey. Miles had a blast walking all around their bachelor pad and figuring out how to unplug everything he possibly could. Ernie showed Miles how to use the Xbox controller and crawled with Miles up and down the stairs. It's always fun for me to see how my brother loves Miles and vice versa, especially since Ernie was mainly just my little pesky brother until a year or two ago. Seeing him living in another city so far away made me realize that we really are grown up. Well, mostly.

We decided to go get some dinner before heading home, so we went to Famous Dave's. There was a bit of a wait and Miles was already getting antsy, so I put Miles in the sling and we walked around the restaurant several times. He snuggled in happily and it made my heart happy to have him there with me.

On the drive home from Bakersfield, Miles was having a hard time falling asleep in the van and even though he had a bottle and a blanket, he was crying inconsolably until I turned around (my mom was driving), put my hand on his leg, and said, "Mama's here, honey. You can go to sleep and I'm right here." I gave him some reassuring pats for a few minutes and I watched him fall sound asleep. I know it doesn't seem like much, but it really made me feel good that Miles needed me in that way. The fact that he knows I'm there for him when he's tired but can't fall asleep, even though he's fallen asleep on his own so many nights before and for every night since. It just reminded me how much I love my independent boy but that I am right there, available for him whenever he needs me.

On Sunday, I drove to my grandparents' house in Santa Clarita to have my grandma color and cut my hair. It was a great day with her and I love my new 'do! I felt like I was having a real Kate Middleton moment and I kept sneaking looks in the mirror for the rest of the day.

I wound up staying in Santa Clarita later than I thought I would, but that meant I got to see my great-grandpa Cipriano at dinner and I hadn't seen him for a while so that was really special. I can't believe he is ninety-one years old- he certainly doesn't look like it and he was as charming as always!

I hope you all are having a great week!

CheeZe + Other Things

So, remember on my last post how I was all like, "Yeah! Fast food sucks! I haven't even given a drive-thru a second look!" and nonchalantly rocking this new diet change? I haven't caved and I'm super happy about that, but I have wanted to and it has been difficult to drive past McD's and into the health food store for a green juice. However, I do feel much better after having the juice so I try and focus on that. Miles is all for the juice and fresh fruits and veggies so that's an added bonus and I love mealtime where he and I can sit and eat together. Oh, and before I move on, I just want to reiterate that it is of the utmost importance to keep kinds of the "right" foods in the house! Between shopping trips is where things get real real.

Not as bad as it looks!

I've been doing a lot of research and looking into all these different diets (vegan vs. vegetarian vs. Paleo vs. Anne Hathaway's Les Mis diet) and instead of looking at where they differ, I've realized that they are all suggesting a plant-based diet (with the exception of Anne's starvation diet- obviously not suggesting it!). This isn't so bad- over the last month I've eaten way more veggies than I'm used to and I not only survived but also feel pretty good- however I know that I love bread, macaroni and cheese (note: I tried the Amy's Vegan Mac n' CheeZe- you know something isn't going to taste right if it's spelled with a Z- and did not enjoy it), and other things that definitely aren't "plant based". What I realized is that changing habits is a very slow process and it doesn't need to be all or nothing from the beginning. Changes take time, and all I need to do is the best I can. If I enjoy some real mac n' cheese every once in a while, it's okay. But I need to make sure I'm getting in a mostly plant-based diet. I forsee a juicer in my future.

Since 2013 is the Year of the Snake (my year) and my goals are to relearn how to take care of myself, what dietary change should I try next? I am thinking March will be No Dairy March. Gulp. That scares me and it's probably a sign that I should go for it.

Here's some photos of Miles and I from this last weekend (we are hoping to be in the next installment of Sakura Bloom's Sling Diaries so my sisters took pictures of Miles and I doing our evening neighborhood walk)!

We're always goofing around...

One of my favorite reasons to babywear- snuggles!

On our walk

Daily uniform- yoga wear, hat, and shoes without socks

I hope you're all having a great week!

Baby Steps, Part II

photo credit

I have to tell you all that this is possibly the slowest week I've experienced in a long time. I decided that for the month of February, I wouldn't eat any fast food. I know to some of you this is no big deal, but for me this is hopefully the first baby step in what will be a lifelong appreciation for my physical body and what it is capable of.

Since Miles was born it had just become so much easier to head to the nearest drive-thru and grab something I could eat in the car on my way home. The more I thought about this new habit, the more I felt grossed out by it. Obviously, the number on the scale started going up bit by bit and then I just felt helpless and grossed out and tired. Once Miles was old enough to start on solids, I researched to no end and put all my efforts into making sure Miles was introduced to healthy foods; meanwhile, I didn't care at all what was going into my own body. The New Year came and went, taking a pregnancy with it. When I had the miscarriage I just felt foggy and so physically heavy with sadness that I didn't even feel like eating- when I did, it was fast food. A big part of why I'm going back to the basics of eating well is because I'm desperately trying to find tangible ways to treat my body more carefully and with respect, because all I've felt lately is that it's a failure which just disappoints me again and again. I think it's normal to feel that disappointment; however, my body also gave me the gift of Miles and the ability to nourish him in his first months of his life. The more I study science, the more I appreciate the endless to-do list that my body goes through every second of every minute of every day, just to function as it should. I am starting to see the value in this body, and I am grateful for it.  

Like many of the realizations I've had since becoming a mother, Miles has inspired me to live more fully in ways I never expected. Before he started walking on his own, he would grip my hands so tightly that it would cut off circulation to my fingers. We've walked this way together for months, and I don't know what changed in his mind on that first day he decided to finally let go and try to walk on his own, but the look of pure joy on his face when he realized for himself what he can do- that was my inspiration. It's been a week now and I can already tell a difference in my energy level and, overall, I feel pretty darn great. That's not to say that I don't crave a cheeseburger, but I have plenty of healthy alternatives stocked up in my fridge and that has been key in keeping hunger and the temptation to drive-thru at bay. So, while I'm cautiously optimistic about continuing on, I do still have twenty-one days to go! Keep your fingers crossed for me.

PS- If you have any go-to recipes that are healthy and somewhat quick to prepare, leave a link or the recipe in the comments! I'm planning on trying some new ones in the next weeks and I will share all my favorites.

Much love to you all!

Baby Steps

Over the last week and a half Miles has really started walking to the point where he is now walking just as much, if not a little more, than he crawls. In the beginning I really slathered the praise on thick, clapping and saying, "Yay!" every time he would walk, sway, and then plop onto his little cushion of a diaper. I soon realized that as soon as he would walk anywhere he'd glance back at me for praise, so I started trying to help him realize that he should be proud of himself instead of constantly looking back for validation. I started saying things like, "Look at you walking! You must love going from room to room!" and he would smile proudly and continue on his way. Now walking is becoming a normal part of his day and I can tell how much he enjoys his newly discovered method of transportation. As a mama, I certainly feel so proud of my baby boy! If I feel this much joy out of his steps, I can't imagine how I'll feel in other upcoming moments like riding a bike or going to school...sniff.

I have to tell how how proud this last photo makes me. He is so my child! I make this face all the time and I can't help but love every inch of his little stinker mug.

 Happy Monday!

Feeling the Chemistry

The semester has started and I am loving it. I'm feeling really confident and I earned a 100% on my first quiz, which was exciting and has infused me with energy for the coming weeks. One week down, sixteen to go!

I'm going to kick this semester in the boo-tay!

What else has been going on? Well, Miles has really been walking a lot. I love it! He toddles around with his little arms up for balance and it is probably the cutest thing I've ever seen (although I always say that about him). Last weekend, we helped my brother move out of his apartment and Miles had a great time crawling between all of us and then just took off walking across the living room, doing his dinosaur growl the whole time. He is such a little ham.

He could watch me turn my bedside lamp on and off all day and still get excited each time! He loves lights!

Walking with Uncle Ernie

My little baby is turning into a boy in what feels like a blink! 

I can't believe Miles is thirteen months old already. Even in just looking from last month to this month, he is so different- new teeth, new steps, new words... My absolute favorite thing is when he gives me hugs and kisses, because he's definitely not a clingy baby. To have my independent little explorer want to stop for a little cuddle time is always welcome and I treasure it with all my heart!

And, of course, before I go...new shoes! They're soft leather ballet flats from Zara with an embellished heel. They're a twist on a classic but I get so many compliments because I suppose people really notice a little extra bling!

Happy Thursday!

The Anatomy of a Miscarriage

(My little ray of sunshine. I don't know what I'd do without him.)

Well, here we are. When I last wrote on Sunday night, I was filled with excitement for our first prenatal appointment. I want to tell you all what happened between then and now. It's safe to say that the elation and anticipation has subsided completely- I'm crushed and this isn't a feel-good post but I feel it's important to share because it's okay to talk about miscarriages and the feelings that go along with it. So here we go.

Monday morning we headed up to my doctor's office and I felt good about it. We walked into the exam room and my stomach was fluttering, just like it had been before I saw the peanut that would become Miles for the first time. Dr. K walked in and we talked for a minute, about Miles and how things had been going the last year. He started the ultrasound, and things got quiet. Things weren't how they were supposed to be, and he ordered some blood work- scheduled for two different days- to see whether my hormone levels were going up or down. After Dr. K left the room, Parker and I sat there silently and, without speaking, I got dressed and we left. My stomach felt like it was in a hard knot and a heavy sadness I can physically feel settled down over me. It hasn't left since.

I've had early miscarriages before that, had I not been paying attention, would've probably just been noted as a late period. This one feels different. I bought maternity jeans. I felt nauseous. I dug out all my pregnancy books and stacked them next to my bed, contentedly refreshing my memory about what biological wonder was going on in my body before I went to sleep for the night. And now there's no reason to do any of that anymore. It really, really hurts.

A few times I've had to stop myself from going to a place where I blame myself because I wasn't initially over the moon with the news of being pregnant. Thank God there are people in my life were quick to drag me back from that place as well. It's a scary place to be near. I know that this isn't my fault, but I know that I want there to be someone I can point a finger at and as far as miscarriages are concerned there is no one to blame. My doctor has been so kind but straightforward in reminding me of this- that miscarriages happen and the body deals with it, and then the soul deals with it, and then life goes on.

Emotionally, I've gone from stoic to sobbing. The tears have come at the most random times. Like when a song by Pink came on the radio. (When's the last time anyone's cried to Pink? Good gracious.) Or when I had just finished getting my blood drawn this morning. Nothing like getting a surprise bear hug from a busty nurse cooing, "Ay mami, no no no crying" and then walking out sobbing while everyone looks away awkwardly except for the one old guy who points a crooked finger and loudly asks, "What's her problem?"

Parker has been amazing throughout this whole process. I know he's going through his own version of sadness and hurt but he has been strong enough to be there for me and help me take care of Miles. He is just the best husband I could ask for. Parker's parents have also given us a lot of time just the two of us by having Miles over at their house a few times and that has been nice.

So, where do we go from here? I am sure that I will not be trying to get pregnant anytime soon. It's important to take time and work things through physically and emotionally and I want to feel like myself again, to be happy and enjoy life with Parker and Miles and continue on as a family. I know we will get through this together and I'm so thankful to have them in my life. If at some point Parker and I feel like trying for another baby, then I'm sure that's we're going to do. For now, though, I'm clinging to my family of three and loving them with everything I have.

Time Goes By...So Slowly

Yes, I'm quoting Madonna. No, I'm not embarrassed! It's perfectly fitting for how I've been feeling lately. Now that I've settled in to being pregnant again and getting ready for the crazy, wonderful ride that will be two babies, I feel like time has started crawling again. I'm taking this as a good thing (more time with Miles, more time to mentally sort everything out) but there's also things I'm so curious to know about this little Blueberry (that's what Parker and I are calling this one "in utero"- Miles was Bean). Thank goodness I have an appointment with Dr. K tomorrow- I want to see that little heart beating and make sure there's only one little Blueberry in there! 

Always looking at the lights

My little Bean

Baby Zoolander strikes again

That lip!

In the meantime, I'm enjoying spending as much time as I can with Miles. He is getting so close to walking full-time on his own but doesn't like it when he falls. I don't blame him. He is so dramatic sometimes, and it cracks me up- but if I actually laugh at his little antics, he'll just stick out his lower lip and lay his head down on the floor very slowly and turn his face away. Then he checks to see if I'm still looking at him. I'll rub his back and say, "Now, now, baby- come back and play with Mama!" and he'll decide whether or not he's done pouting (I don't dare laugh then or the whole thing starts over!). What I'd like to know is how a twelve-month old baby knows how to put on such a show!

I'll update tomorrow after my doctor's appointment! I hope you all had a good weekend.