Interrupted Bliss

I usually hate summertime (much more of a fall and winter girl), but that has changed since Miles has become more independent and outdoor-loving. On those hot days that verge on almost unbearable, we throw our swimsuits on and head to Pismo. Usually my sisters come with us, and we spend the afternoon following Miles around the beach while he chases birds, collects shells, and maintains a calculated distance from the water. We've been going quite a bit, and he's even added "beach" to his vocabulary, which I love. It makes me so happy to see him running around in his little wetsuit and digging holes to climb into. He's definitely a California kid.

Between those moments of playing at the beach or running in the sprinklers, we have spent a lot of time just the two of us- going to the park, reading, making up silly new games. He is constantly growing and changing into this little boy who can articulate his needs and wants and, to my delight, speak his affection. Does it really get any better than when your baby says, "Luh loo!" and gives you a kiss? No. No it does not.

This summer is a very crazy schedule school-wise because I'm taking twelve units in eight weeks. I love the craziness, though. It tests my time management way more than I'm used to, but it's great. I just keep reminding myself, "Only four more weeks!" and then it's on to the next semester, which is going to be huge and daunting but I'm excited and ready (two words I don't usually use when it comes to statistics and pre-calculus, but I'm trying to be optimistic!).

As you can see, I've been a very busy bee. I will try and post more- trust me, I have lots to talk about...it's just finding the time to write it all out!

Light at the End of the Tunnel

In the next couple of days I'll be finishing this semester- whew! This is the first semester I've taken full-time units since Miles has been born and it has been both challenging and extremely rewarding. The most noticeable challenge has been sleep deprivation, since I most often will do my homework after Miles has gone to bed; however, Parker has been absolutely amazing in waking up with Miles a lot of the time so I can rest a little bit more. I really couldn't imagine a better support than him throughout the whole process of me going back to school.

As I was thinking about the "light at the end of the tunnel" in terms of school and more long-term goals, I realized that Parker and Miles are such sources of happiness and love for me on a daily basis. I get caught up a lot of the time in thinking toward the future, but I have been reminded recently that it's just as important to focus on the present time and soak up moments with my family. Admittedly, I do also look forward to what's coming in terms of school because I've been working really hard and it's nice to see the progress. I'm getting to the point now where it's going to be all "fun" classes and that will be a huge reward in and of itself because I'll get to take classes I really enjoy.

When all is said and done, I'm really enjoying where our path is going as a family- Parker has a great job that he loves, Miles will be heading to preschool in January (!), and I will continue on with school and maybe go back to work. We are really blessed.

I hope you're having a great weekend!

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is always a day where I do a lot of reflecting on the mothers I've known and my own journey to motherhood. It's a celebration of the joy and inexplicable gratitude of being a mama to Miles; it's also a little bit of sadness for the pregnancies that didn't make it. One thing's for sure: being a mama has changed me. I look at other mothers who do things differently and my first inclination is no longer to judge, but to be open to ways different than my own. When I'm judged, I still freak out a little (after all, who wants to be told that you aren't doing something right, especially when it comes to your own child?) but quickly realize that what I'm doing is what's best for my boy and my family, and I have peace in that. 

Mothers come in all forms. Some of the women I've learned from the most don't have any children of their own. But they've mothered me, influenced me, and I look to them for inspiration. I'm thankful for my own mom, grandmothers, aunts, in-laws, and friends who all mean so much me and who now mean so much to Miles. I don't know what I'd do without you all.

Happy Mother's Day!

Park Hoppin'

Miles and I have been loving the park lately. I usually drive to Starbucks, get my drink and a slice of pumpkin bread for Miles, and then head over to the park where we spend lots of time laughing and playing together. I think my favorite part about going to the park is that normally there isn't a time limit to how long we can stay. It's just a time where everything else fades and it's just me and my boy (although lately we've been bringing my sisters along or meeting friends for playdates). He is growing so much- now he climbs the play structure and can go down the slides all by himself! I love him. Here are some pictures of our recent park outings:

Our Week (In a Nutshell)

Our Week (In a Nutshell) is back! It takes a surprising amount of effort to remember to chronicle our weekly happenings, so I'm making it a priority because Miles is growing and changing so much each day. I don't want to forget anything! He is such a little character lately- constantly making new faces and saying new words. Right now his favorites are "stuck", "yuck", and "truck". (Here's to hoping he doesn't get wind of a certain other word that ends with "uck"!) His favorite thing in the whole wide world is seeing the garbarge truck on Tuesdays- his face lights up and he is mesmerized. It's also maybe my favorite thing in the whole world right now...his joy is infectious.

Pure joy!

Miles's thoughts on the new Bravo show "Married to Medicine"

"Miles, crayons aren't for eating" = The Lip

We took our pups, Gus and Roscoe, to the vet for their yearly checkup and they did great! They are such sweet, goofy dogs and it's so fun to see how much they love walking around with Miles in our yard. Sometimes I feel like Gus and Roscoe are like my first two "fur babies", as I've heard some people call their pets. They have been with Parker and I since we were married and I'm glad Miles will get to grow up with them.

I've been so busy lately! Next Thursday, we're flying to New York City for our long weekend. I can't believe how quickly it's creeping up on us but I'm excited and ready to experience everything NYC has to offer. I've got what I'm calling my "New York best" outfits ready and I have tons of lists (yes, I'm a list maker) of what to pack, our restaurant reservations, what to get ready for Miles, etc. I don't feel like I can sleep well without my lists!

School is going well- I'm in the final seven weeks of the semester and my nose is most definitely to the grindstone. It's nonstop but I really do like being busy. I still have my normal time with Miles, get my homework done whenever he's asleep, and still sneak in my workouts! I thrive on this type of schedule, but I did enjoy the spring break last week.

I hope you all are having a great week!

Make Up Your Mind Already

I am both a very decisive and indecisive person. Is that possible? To make up your mind and never look back, or to sometimes make up your mind and then kinda take quick peeks backward to make sure you're still happy with the decision you've made? I am constantly weighing options. Mostly about school, a lot of the time about shoes or hairstyles and sometimes relationships or family. For example, do I want more babies? The answer in my mind's Magic 8 ball right now is try again later. I am actually very much at peace with the fact that right now I do not want to try to get pregnant. 

For things like career, I've written before about being indecisive in that area. I find it a luxury that I can even be indecisive. I am wholeheartedly continuing my midwifery studies (because, after all, I love birth and I love the science behind it); meanwhile, I have other dreams. I'd love to design and produce a clothing line, or someday open a restaurant. I've had those dreams for years. Sometimes I feel like it's not okay to want to do so many things- this may be my trashy reality TV love talking, but don't the Real Housewives always get harassed for saying, "Oh, my store opens next week, my book is being released in the summer, and my new hit single will be out in the fall"? It almost seems like it's frowned upon to have your fingers in any more than one pie.

I'm taking it one day at a time, but always dreaming and planning and, of course, studying like crazy. I am taking two classes now and have three more starting in April. It's going to be a mad dash to the end of the semester, but I'm ready. 

And now, some photos from this last weekend. Whenever I see these I instantly feel joy and know that a few of my dreams have already come true.

I love his little face and all its expressions.

He's such a little charmer.

My guys. 

Fearless.

Walking with my boy.

He'd much rather push the stroller than be in it!

 Have a great week!

Foiled Again

This last weekend I was all over the place! Saturday was my brother's birthday so my mom, sisters, Miles, and I drove to Bakersfield and spent the afternoon with Ernie and my "brother from another mother", Corey. Miles had a blast walking all around their bachelor pad and figuring out how to unplug everything he possibly could. Ernie showed Miles how to use the Xbox controller and crawled with Miles up and down the stairs. It's always fun for me to see how my brother loves Miles and vice versa, especially since Ernie was mainly just my little pesky brother until a year or two ago. Seeing him living in another city so far away made me realize that we really are grown up. Well, mostly.

We decided to go get some dinner before heading home, so we went to Famous Dave's. There was a bit of a wait and Miles was already getting antsy, so I put Miles in the sling and we walked around the restaurant several times. He snuggled in happily and it made my heart happy to have him there with me.

On the drive home from Bakersfield, Miles was having a hard time falling asleep in the van and even though he had a bottle and a blanket, he was crying inconsolably until I turned around (my mom was driving), put my hand on his leg, and said, "Mama's here, honey. You can go to sleep and I'm right here." I gave him some reassuring pats for a few minutes and I watched him fall sound asleep. I know it doesn't seem like much, but it really made me feel good that Miles needed me in that way. The fact that he knows I'm there for him when he's tired but can't fall asleep, even though he's fallen asleep on his own so many nights before and for every night since. It just reminded me how much I love my independent boy but that I am right there, available for him whenever he needs me.

On Sunday, I drove to my grandparents' house in Santa Clarita to have my grandma color and cut my hair. It was a great day with her and I love my new 'do! I felt like I was having a real Kate Middleton moment and I kept sneaking looks in the mirror for the rest of the day.

I wound up staying in Santa Clarita later than I thought I would, but that meant I got to see my great-grandpa Cipriano at dinner and I hadn't seen him for a while so that was really special. I can't believe he is ninety-one years old- he certainly doesn't look like it and he was as charming as always!

I hope you all are having a great week!

Baby Steps

Over the last week and a half Miles has really started walking to the point where he is now walking just as much, if not a little more, than he crawls. In the beginning I really slathered the praise on thick, clapping and saying, "Yay!" every time he would walk, sway, and then plop onto his little cushion of a diaper. I soon realized that as soon as he would walk anywhere he'd glance back at me for praise, so I started trying to help him realize that he should be proud of himself instead of constantly looking back for validation. I started saying things like, "Look at you walking! You must love going from room to room!" and he would smile proudly and continue on his way. Now walking is becoming a normal part of his day and I can tell how much he enjoys his newly discovered method of transportation. As a mama, I certainly feel so proud of my baby boy! If I feel this much joy out of his steps, I can't imagine how I'll feel in other upcoming moments like riding a bike or going to school...sniff.

I have to tell how how proud this last photo makes me. He is so my child! I make this face all the time and I can't help but love every inch of his little stinker mug.

 Happy Monday!

Feeling the Chemistry

The semester has started and I am loving it. I'm feeling really confident and I earned a 100% on my first quiz, which was exciting and has infused me with energy for the coming weeks. One week down, sixteen to go!

I'm going to kick this semester in the boo-tay!

What else has been going on? Well, Miles has really been walking a lot. I love it! He toddles around with his little arms up for balance and it is probably the cutest thing I've ever seen (although I always say that about him). Last weekend, we helped my brother move out of his apartment and Miles had a great time crawling between all of us and then just took off walking across the living room, doing his dinosaur growl the whole time. He is such a little ham.

He could watch me turn my bedside lamp on and off all day and still get excited each time! He loves lights!

Walking with Uncle Ernie

My little baby is turning into a boy in what feels like a blink! 

I can't believe Miles is thirteen months old already. Even in just looking from last month to this month, he is so different- new teeth, new steps, new words... My absolute favorite thing is when he gives me hugs and kisses, because he's definitely not a clingy baby. To have my independent little explorer want to stop for a little cuddle time is always welcome and I treasure it with all my heart!

And, of course, before I go...new shoes! They're soft leather ballet flats from Zara with an embellished heel. They're a twist on a classic but I get so many compliments because I suppose people really notice a little extra bling!

Happy Thursday!

The Anatomy of a Miscarriage

(My little ray of sunshine. I don't know what I'd do without him.)

Well, here we are. When I last wrote on Sunday night, I was filled with excitement for our first prenatal appointment. I want to tell you all what happened between then and now. It's safe to say that the elation and anticipation has subsided completely- I'm crushed and this isn't a feel-good post but I feel it's important to share because it's okay to talk about miscarriages and the feelings that go along with it. So here we go.

Monday morning we headed up to my doctor's office and I felt good about it. We walked into the exam room and my stomach was fluttering, just like it had been before I saw the peanut that would become Miles for the first time. Dr. K walked in and we talked for a minute, about Miles and how things had been going the last year. He started the ultrasound, and things got quiet. Things weren't how they were supposed to be, and he ordered some blood work- scheduled for two different days- to see whether my hormone levels were going up or down. After Dr. K left the room, Parker and I sat there silently and, without speaking, I got dressed and we left. My stomach felt like it was in a hard knot and a heavy sadness I can physically feel settled down over me. It hasn't left since.

I've had early miscarriages before that, had I not been paying attention, would've probably just been noted as a late period. This one feels different. I bought maternity jeans. I felt nauseous. I dug out all my pregnancy books and stacked them next to my bed, contentedly refreshing my memory about what biological wonder was going on in my body before I went to sleep for the night. And now there's no reason to do any of that anymore. It really, really hurts.

A few times I've had to stop myself from going to a place where I blame myself because I wasn't initially over the moon with the news of being pregnant. Thank God there are people in my life were quick to drag me back from that place as well. It's a scary place to be near. I know that this isn't my fault, but I know that I want there to be someone I can point a finger at and as far as miscarriages are concerned there is no one to blame. My doctor has been so kind but straightforward in reminding me of this- that miscarriages happen and the body deals with it, and then the soul deals with it, and then life goes on.

Emotionally, I've gone from stoic to sobbing. The tears have come at the most random times. Like when a song by Pink came on the radio. (When's the last time anyone's cried to Pink? Good gracious.) Or when I had just finished getting my blood drawn this morning. Nothing like getting a surprise bear hug from a busty nurse cooing, "Ay mami, no no no crying" and then walking out sobbing while everyone looks away awkwardly except for the one old guy who points a crooked finger and loudly asks, "What's her problem?"

Parker has been amazing throughout this whole process. I know he's going through his own version of sadness and hurt but he has been strong enough to be there for me and help me take care of Miles. He is just the best husband I could ask for. Parker's parents have also given us a lot of time just the two of us by having Miles over at their house a few times and that has been nice.

So, where do we go from here? I am sure that I will not be trying to get pregnant anytime soon. It's important to take time and work things through physically and emotionally and I want to feel like myself again, to be happy and enjoy life with Parker and Miles and continue on as a family. I know we will get through this together and I'm so thankful to have them in my life. If at some point Parker and I feel like trying for another baby, then I'm sure that's we're going to do. For now, though, I'm clinging to my family of three and loving them with everything I have.

...Surprise!

Last Sunday afternoon, Parker and I were sitting outside on the driveway while Miles was sound asleep in his car seat, just talking and enjoying the day. I can't remember what we were talking about, but all of a sudden it dawned on me that something hadn't come around for a while. Lucky for me, there's an app for that- I checked my phone and sure enough, that something should've come and gone a long time ago. "I think I should get a pregnancy test," I announced. "You're not pregnant," Parker replied. It was all very straightforward, most likely because we've had this conversation a few times due to wonky cycles ever since Miles was born. Let's not get into details.

Anyway, off to the store I went. When I got home and took the test I set it on the counter, washed my hands, and turned to walk out of the bathroom as I quickly glanced toward the test, just to confirm it was negative. I was actually halfway through my bedroom before I stopped dead in my tracks and ran back in the bathroom to see those two little lines.

My reaction, unlike the test, was not immediately positive. I had just come to peace with having one child, and I've been busy making plans for school over the next year. Parker and I had talked about taking a trip to New York, and a semblance of a good night's sleep had returned to our household. As I started to think about life with two kids, I began to panic.

Over the last week, my attitude has changed a lot. All the things I was initially fretting over are all things that can wait. School can wait. New York can wait. Solid nights of sleep (...sniff...) can wait- for a couple months, anyway. I realized that this baby is a gift and the best kind of surprise, especially after a not so easy road to getting pregnant the first time around. I'm thankful. Parker has been positive from the get-go; his initial reaction was, "High five! Who needs sleep?"

Time is going to fly from now until August, I'm sure of it. But I'm ready- and excited- for the ride.

One Year Later (and the New Year Ahead)

I can't believe it's already been a year since the day I met Miles. It was hard for me to imagine at the beginning, but my love for him really has grown stronger each day. He is a happy, adventurous boy and I could watch him for hours as he explores and tries to figure out how things work. He's very much his own little person and insists on doing things for himself (I wonder where he gets that from...hmm...) and I love it. He loves lights and besides saying "mama" and "dada", his first word was "light"! (Tonight, I turned on the Christmas lights on our tree one more time just to see his face light up in wonder again, wave his arms excitedly and exclaim, "Ligh'!") As a family of three, we've had a lot of beautiful memories and a lot of laughter. It was amazing seeing Parker transform into an amazing dad from the moment Miles was born; the mutual adoration going on there makes my heart want to burst on a daily basis. I can't wait to see how much Miles will change and grow in the next year, and how Parker and I will grow and change together as a couple and as parents.

This year has been wonderful and terrible all at once (I have a feeling that every year may be this way). With all the good times, there have been times of loss and sadness. Through those times, I've really been learning how to treasure moments that I otherwise might have dragged myself through (early mornings, mostly).

I'm a lucky girl to have such an amazing family- every day I spend with them is a beautiful day and I am so thankful. I'm looking forward to 2013.

The Haircut from Hell

Today I decided to book Miles an appointment to get his hair cut. A few months ago he had his first trim and it went really well- no tears, no problems- so I figured he'd do just as great the second time. 

I. Was. Very. Wrong.

My grandma and sisters came along and I was pretty excited as we walked into the children's salon. The stylist directed us to a cute little car chair, with cartoons playing in front of him and a little toy to play with. I think he was distracted for about two seconds and then started reaching for me. It was around then I started to get worried. The stylist showed Miles the clippers and he touched them and then I touched him, to show him that it was okay. It didn't matter- she turned them on and he freaked. There was no reasoning, there was no consoling, there was no distracting (we tried anyway and failed miserably). He started angry crying as she turned the trimmers on and got to work. The angry cry turned into the traumatic cry and he was clutching my sweatshirt sobbing, "Maaaaamaaaaa..." It was terrible, and I started wondering if maybe half a haircut wouldn't look so bad. By then, he was screaming so horribly that people walking by the salon stopped to look in through the windows. I looked over to see my grandma wipe away tears, and my sisters were wide-eyed. The stylist remained cool and collected (thank goodness, seeing as she was the one with the scissors) and finally I got him out of the little chair and held him so close. I thought I had scarred him for life! But as soon as he was out of the chair he stopped crying, smiled, and started playing with the toys in the reception area. Afterward, we went and got him a smoothie (he sure loves his smoothies) as a treat. And all was right in the world. 

Now, he looks more like a toddler and less like a baby. It's really hitting me that his birthday is on Saturday, that my baby is turning one. But even though he's growing up way faster then I'm prepared for, I love that he still needs his mama when he's sad and that I can make him happy again.

Merry Christmas!

I had the best time today celebrating Miles's first Christmas with Parker and our families. He woke up at five in the morning (his usual and definitely not my favorite wake-up time) and instead of my normal routine of groggily throwing my covers off to the side and stumbling out of bed totally not feeling like P-Diddy, I lept out of bed and pretty much skipped over to pick up my smiling baby from his crib. Parker was a little less enthusiastic, but we soon got him out of bed and to the tree to open presents. Miles wasn't too sure what to do with the wrapping paper, but was pretty much a pro by the end of the day. 

Here are some photos of our holiday weekend:

On Sunday my family went to visit some of my family near LA, and my brother rode with us in my car. Miles fell asleep, but when he woke up he was giving his uncle some major stink-eye!

On Sunday night, my sisters spent the night and woke up with Miles to give Parker and I the gift of sleep! They love Miles so much and he loves them right back. As a thank-you, Santa dropped off the gift of Clinique for my two favorite sisters.

On Christmas Eve, my siblings and I enjoyed some eggnog-flavored Starbucks. I think this was the only photo Ernie didn't protest.

Here is Miles in his Christmas pajamas, at the dreadful hour of five a.m.

My Christmas angel, fast asleep on his way to Grandma's

I hope you all had as wonderful a Christmas as we did! 

Have a great week!