February 20, 2009


Paul is staying! I am so happy I could scream. The end.


"You Love Me?"

Paul and I have a little game we like to play. At random times he'll come up behind me and say, "You love me?" I'll peek over my shoulder and say, "Yeah I do!" and he'll shout, "Yay!" Then I'll turn around and ask, "Do you love me?" and he'll sit for a second, tap his chin, look up mischievously and yell, "Yeah!" Then I say, "Yay!" and tickle him and hug him until we pause for breath from laughing and he says, "... again."
I think this one of my favorite things with Paul. Maybe it's when I get to put him to bed at night and he's all cuddly and sleepy. Or when he just wakes up from his nap and just wants to snuggle up on the couch. Or when I'm getting ready to go somewhere and he'll jump up from whatever he's doing and yell, "I go with you! No! Gimme hug..." and follow to me the door and latch himself to my leg. Or when he dances in the car. Or seeing how much he loves Parker (and vice versa- it's great, really).
Today's Paul trial, deciding whether he'll stay with us (so we can adopt him), or go back to his grandparents. It's been a very distracting day, so I've been passing the time by really trying to prepare my heart for a decision either way. I'm just constantly amazed by how much I love this boy. He's only been in my life for a couple months, and I can't imagine life without him. His presence at home has shifted us as a family- not uncomfortably, just enough that if he weren't there we'd have an unmistakeable Paul-shaped void that only his little self could fill. I'm sure if God has decided that he won't be a part of our family, we'll learn how to move forward again without him. I just hate the thought, and don't want to entertain it unless we have really have to.
I never imagined me feeling this way about another sibling. When my parents talked about getting their foster care license here in Santa Barbara County so we could adopt another boy (they're done with girls, apparently- whatever), I was opposed. Through the whole process I was opposed. I just could not imagine another person fitting into our family and keeping the equilibrium like it's been for the past years since Krystal and Krystine became my sisters.
Then one day my parents got that call about Paul, and once I knew he was coming I immediately closed up because, I'm not gonna lie, foster care has been an emotional rollercoaster for the Leos family- and I didn't know if I could handle it if this kid came and then just left (I still don't know how I would handle it). The day Paul came I was with Parker, and I told him I was scared. But the moment I saw his little face, heard his laugh, saw him play with the girls...my heart couldn't help but open and be completely lost in Paul love. Now don't get me wrong- he has tantrums, throws things, hits, spits food- but that's all part of loving him no matter what. I love him as much as I love Ernie (don't tell him I said that, though), Krystal, and Krystine. My family's just a constant reminder to me that this kind of God-given love crosses beyond blood.
I'll update after the social worker comes and gives us the decision. I can hardly take the anticipation!


February 18, 2009

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage...You Get the Drift

Before you get any funny ideas, I'm actually not talking about myself. I am talking about the ridiculous numbers of my friends or people that I know who are either recently engaged, married, or expecting a visit from the stork at any moment. It's crazy business. Girls I used to be in band with in junior high are having babies! Friends are getting hitched left and right! What is going on?! I feel dazed and slightly confused.
It's especially weird to see a girl I used to be so close to going through these changes. I mean, this time last year, she was in New York and I was in Germany, exchanging nanny horror stories! Now she's due in a month with a baby girl and future plans with her boyfriend in the works...my mind really hasn't wrapped around it yet. How does this happen in less than a year? (I mean, I know how it happens. Oy.) Seriously, this last year has gone by faster than any other year I can remember, with more changes and experiences- it really blows my mind.
As for me? I am content. I've got a lovin' man (yay- he is fantastic!) and the cutest siblings (minus Ernie, he's macho) I can snuggle with- and lavish any possible maternal instincts I may have on them, too. Life's a happy balance of work, school, friends, ministry...what more could a girl ask for?


February 4, 2009

Shoots and Ladders

I've been part of that unfortunate group lately who's had a multi-week (and multi-faceted) cold virus. It's no fun... starting off like a regular cold, mine's gone from better to a little cough, to a long cough, to a just plain nasty cough, back to a regular cold but still with the nasty cough. I could sum up how I feel about this in one of Paul's phrases: "Stupid stupid stupid!" I just feel yucky.

There is a definite upside to life though, and that is laughter. Ashley says she just hangs out with me because I laugh at everything- this is true. Even when I'm mad I laugh (and this usually makes me more upset). Sometimes it's the most inappropriate things that make me giggle ("The Count Censored" video on Youtube, for example- I didn't giggle at that one as much as I cried laughing)... or the best timed joke makes me burst out in glee. Sometimes jokes take me a second (I can be real slow sometimes) but I still laugh; I also laugh just as much the second time as the first (but not the third time- then it's just old). I laugh at myself (tonight I made a giant idiot out of myself in front of the kids I babysit for the Greek class- let's just say I started standing up but ended on my back staring at the ceiling... not on purpose...)... I just love to laugh! Anyway, Monday night I was at Parker's and his mom was cutting his hair in the backyard and when she was finished she said to him, "Okay, now take your shirt off and shake it." Parker replied, "If I only had a nickel for every time someone's said that to me..." and it still makes me laugh every time I think about it. Oy, am I silly or what?

Since my ride-along I have been having dreams with me shooting guns a la Angelina Jolie in Mr. and Mrs. Smith and similar... this is not normal. I generally do not care about guns- neither anti nor pro- so this is a weird occurrence. Parker declares I am a hippie liberal who is anti-guns (he decided this when he discovered I loaned out a book by Noam Chomsky from the library) but you shouldn't believe him for a second. Guns are...guns. That's about all I've thought about them and I'd like my normal dreams back now, please and thank you!

Paul's court date is Thursday. Hopefully it doesn't get continued again.

The Nyquil should be kicking in any second...