I've been thinking a lot about friendship lately, and I've come to the conclusion that I need a refresher course on how to be a truly good friend. Sure, I love people, love talking, love being social. But when I really think about it, I sometimes love these things for really selfish reasons. When it comes to friendship (and marriage, and pretty much all relationships with all people), it's important- but actually takes a concerted effort- to keep reminding myself that (gasp!) everything isn't about me. It's so hard to admit, especially when I think I'm so amazing (ha). My hope is that after working on "taking my thoughts captive", it will become like second nature to be concerned about others more than myself.
This leads me to something else I've been really, really having a hard time with but actually am starting to understand: forgiving yourself. I think in the past I've misunderstood "forgiving yourself" as letting myself off easy when I make mistakes, or loving myself more (which, as aforementioned, I don't need any help with). But, I think I'm starting to get it. As I've been reading and trying to understand what it means to really be a good friend, I find myself embarrassed and, on more than one occasion, smacking my hand to my forehead while thinking (sometimes out loud), "You idiot!" as I remember times that I have walked away from people when I shouldn't have, and times that I have caused people to walk away from me because of stupid things that I've done. I know that God has forgiven me, and even if the person I offended hasn't forgiven me, it isn't healthy to rehash the guilt and regret from those mistakes. I just need to learn the lesson and work so hard not to let it happen again.
So, these are just my thoughts- and lately, there's been a lot of them. I've been working on a lot of issues (some new and some old) in myself as I've come to the realization that I've got a lot of work to do if I'm going to be a good example and mother to my son. I want him to go through the least amount of pain and "D'oh!" moments as humanly possible. 'Til next time...