"Darn You, Green Grass!"

These are the words from Uli's email that got me laughing the other day. Talking about how the grass is always greener on the other side. Once you get to the other side, you still don't have what you think you need! This photo fits perfectly to this concept, which is also sadly relevant to my life at this point.
Once again, I won't be going to Master's. It seemed so close; that taunting grass looks ever so green there... the fruit of knowledge and biblical learning just out of reach! I could almost taste it, could almost feel it. But nope. Not yet. Maybe not ever?
The disappointment stings more each time I attempt Master's and never quite make it. Is this a hint? If so, where am I supposed to go? Maybe I'm not supposed to move at all. Cringe. Why my natural instinct is to cringe at staying in Santa Maria I have no idea. The ministry opportunities here are certainly numerous and awesome... there is a college here (although to me, it is the Black Hole of Santa Maria...even more of a possible trap than the town itself...!), and potential jobs...my family is here (biological and church). So- why?
I think I'm scared. As Deja said recently, "For people our age, staying in Santa Maria usually means one of two things: you either get pregnant, or you get hooked on drugs. We have the highest teen pregnancy rate in the country and, I think, the longest red lights. While you're at a red light you have enough time to conceive or get high. That's my theory." People you'd least expect are susceptible to this theory- I've seen that in abundance in the past couple years. And I don't want to think that I'm any more stronger in willpower than the next girl, although I may be. But that has nothing to do with myself alone; it is grace.
So it looks like I'm back to flirting with Allan Hancock while waiting to get serious with the Master. That sounds bad...

~VL~

Those Words Are Not Enough

I'm liking this picture a lot...I'm always on the hunt for some awesome photo! Today it's summing up a lot of emotions, feelings, and situations that are going on with me: appreciation for God's creation (especially the ocean, sun, and cool breezes), discipline of body, and joy. Maybe this guy on the left isn't jumping for joy... but that's what I feel looking at it. In this next photo (below), I see freedom. The expression of happiness is definitely an emotion I'd like

 to duplicate right now (complete with glorious green field and deep blue sky). However, I don't think running through the apartment right now would adequately do the job. Time to find a field... I totally know where one is, too... but it's in Germany...!  Okay, so what's up with all this photo-expressing-how-I-feel business? Well, I'm not sure can really come up with any words right now. When I try to come up with words when I don't really have any, I ramble and that's unprofitable for everyone. So I have pictures today. Oh, and a song.

Ocean

Ten Shekel Shirt

Lately, I've been thinking about You

And lately, I've been dreaming of You

And lately, I can't get You out of my head

Get You out of my head

Something about the ocean

Makes  me rise up and praise;

Something about the heavens

Makes me stand in awe again.

Something about the sunrise

Reminds me of Your faithfulness;

Something about the ocean

And I'm lost in love again.

I'll sing until I sense a smile

Upon Your great and lovely face

And 'til I know Your glory's in this place

Your glory's in this place.

Okay, a little journaling (with words now)! Yesterday after babysitting I went into Starbucks (they're starting to learn my name and automatically punched in my Iced Black Tea in the register yesterday! Uh oh...). Pulling into the parking lot, I saw Cassie's car. When I walked in, Tiffany was there as well! I was really excited, not having talked in-depth with either one of them for a while. Well, Cassie and Tiffany were having a talk, so I put my headphones in and listened to music. A couple times, though, I couldn't help but watch the conversation with no sound. I'm sure that Tiffany is one of the most beautiful people I know, inside and out. Her love for others and willingness to be there, her personality, her love for her family...her encouragement and sense of humor! Our youth group and church is so blessed to have her serving alongside James in ministry. Cassie and I, over time, have come to very similar places in life. So eventually I joined in the conversation and was really encouraged and blessed by both Tiffany and Cassie. Actually, Cassie and I went to Applebee's to catch up and have a general gabfest...I hope we're able to do it again. It was really encouraging to have a someone on the same level and place in life, with the same struggles, to talk with. And, of course, Tiffany to help advise us and laugh at us a bit! Always good.

To end, today I was reading Psalm 65, and verses five through eight have been on my mind all day. 

5) By awesome deeds in righteousness You will answer us,

O God of our salvation,

You who are the confidence of all the ends of the earth.

And of the far-off seas;

6) Who established the mountains by His strength,

Being clothed with power;

7) You who still the noise of the seas,

The noise of their waves,

And the tumult of the peoples.

8) They also who dwell in the farthest parts are afraid of Your signs;

You make the outgoings of the morning and evening rejoice. 

Song of the Moment: Switchfoot- You

There's always something in the way

There's always something getting through

But it's not me

It's You, it's You

Sometimes ignorance rings true

But hope is not in what I know

It's not in me

It's in You, it's in You

It's all I know

It's all I know

It's all I know

I find peace when I'm confused

I find hope when I'm let down

Not in me, me

in You, it's in You

I hope to lose myself for good

I hope to find it in the end

Not in me, me in You

In You

It's all I know

It's all I know

It's all I know

In You, In You

It's in You, it's in You

There's always something in the way

There's always something getting through

But it's not me

It's You

it's You, it's You

Back to the Same Ol' Thing

God has really shown me lately that my life needs to be straightened up and out. There are so many little things I've let slip in my daily walk with Him- who I let myself get close to in friendship has been a big one; also, giving. When Pastor Duane and James were talking at fourth service about giving two weeks ago, it was like the Holy Spirit was knocking me upside the head with a baseball bat. Had my conscience gotten so dull that I hadn't even thought about it? No...it was a blatant disregard for God's sovereignty over that aspect of my life. I'd been so worried about how the money would appear to finish my degree at Master's that I somehow felt the need to take it into my own hands and just save everything that was coming in. Yet it was okay for me to buy other little things, like a song on iTunes, or a movie ticket? I felt the conviction. I made the appropriate changes, but I still struggle with God's sovereignty in regards to Master's. You'd think a school who's very name reflects our Master would help, but I need God's constant reminders to me that He's in charge of everything- even student loans and the future of a worried college student. 

As for friendship, I'm having a pretty rough time. As humans we crave companionship, but our sinful nature longs for a "friend" who tells us that our sin is okay, because we're "good people"... or not as bad as some. That's what I've been overwhelmed with. I don't want to be the friend that lets everything slip and at the end of the day says you're walking side by side with God. I can't do it. And I don't want friends to tell me that if it isn't true.

I'll write more later.