July 26, 2008

"Darn You, Green Grass!"

These are the words from Uli's email that got me laughing the other day. Talking about how the grass is always greener on the other side. Once you get to the other side, you still don't have what you think you need! This photo fits perfectly to this concept, which is also sadly relevant to my life at this point.
Once again, I won't be going to Master's. It seemed so close; that taunting grass looks ever so green there... the fruit of knowledge and biblical learning just out of reach! I could almost taste it, could almost feel it. But nope. Not yet. Maybe not ever?
The disappointment stings more each time I attempt Master's and never quite make it. Is this a hint? If so, where am I supposed to go? Maybe I'm not supposed to move at all. Cringe. Why my natural instinct is to cringe at staying in Santa Maria I have no idea. The ministry opportunities here are certainly numerous and awesome... there is a college here (although to me, it is the Black Hole of Santa Maria...even more of a possible trap than the town itself...!), and potential jobs...my family is here (biological and church). So- why?
I think I'm scared. As Deja said recently, "For people our age, staying in Santa Maria usually means one of two things: you either get pregnant, or you get hooked on drugs. We have the highest teen pregnancy rate in the country and, I think, the longest red lights. While you're at a red light you have enough time to conceive or get high. That's my theory." People you'd least expect are susceptible to this theory- I've seen that in abundance in the past couple years. And I don't want to think that I'm any more stronger in willpower than the next girl, although I may be. But that has nothing to do with myself alone; it is grace.
So it looks like I'm back to flirting with Allan Hancock while waiting to get serious with the Master. That sounds bad...


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