|(My little ray of sunshine. I don't know what I'd do without him.)|
Monday morning we headed up to my doctor's office and I felt good about it. We walked into the exam room and my stomach was fluttering, just like it had been before I saw the peanut that would become Miles for the first time. Dr. K walked in and we talked for a minute, about Miles and how things had been going the last year. He started the ultrasound, and things got quiet. Things weren't how they were supposed to be, and he ordered some blood work- scheduled for two different days- to see whether my hormone levels were going up or down. After Dr. K left the room, Parker and I sat there silently and, without speaking, I got dressed and we left. My stomach felt like it was in a hard knot and a heavy sadness I can physically feel settled down over me. It hasn't left since.
I've had early miscarriages before that, had I not been paying attention, would've probably just been noted as a late period. This one feels different. I bought maternity jeans. I felt nauseous. I dug out all my pregnancy books and stacked them next to my bed, contentedly refreshing my memory about what biological wonder was going on in my body before I went to sleep for the night. And now there's no reason to do any of that anymore. It really, really hurts.
A few times I've had to stop myself from going to a place where I blame myself because I wasn't initially over the moon with the news of being pregnant. Thank God there are people in my life were quick to drag me back from that place as well. It's a scary place to be near. I know that this isn't my fault, but I know that I want there to be someone I can point a finger at and as far as miscarriages are concerned there is no one to blame. My doctor has been so kind but straightforward in reminding me of this- that miscarriages happen and the body deals with it, and then the soul deals with it, and then life goes on.
Emotionally, I've gone from stoic to sobbing. The tears have come at the most random times. Like when a song by Pink came on the radio. (When's the last time anyone's cried to Pink? Good gracious.) Or when I had just finished getting my blood drawn this morning. Nothing like getting a surprise bear hug from a busty nurse cooing, "Ay mami, no no no crying" and then walking out sobbing while everyone looks away awkwardly except for the one old guy who points a crooked finger and loudly asks, "What's her problem?"
Parker has been amazing throughout this whole process. I know he's going through his own version of sadness and hurt but he has been strong enough to be there for me and help me take care of Miles. He is just the best husband I could ask for. Parker's parents have also given us a lot of time just the two of us by having Miles over at their house a few times and that has been nice.
So, where do we go from here? I am sure that I will not be trying to get pregnant anytime soon. It's important to take time and work things through physically and emotionally and I want to feel like myself again, to be happy and enjoy life with Parker and Miles and continue on as a family. I know we will get through this together and I'm so thankful to have them in my life. If at some point Parker and I feel like trying for another baby, then I'm sure that's we're going to do. For now, though, I'm clinging to my family of three and loving them with everything I have.