Feeling the Chemistry

The semester has started and I am loving it. I'm feeling really confident and I earned a 100% on my first quiz, which was exciting and has infused me with energy for the coming weeks. One week down, sixteen to go!

I'm going to kick this semester in the boo-tay!

What else has been going on? Well, Miles has really been walking a lot. I love it! He toddles around with his little arms up for balance and it is probably the cutest thing I've ever seen (although I always say that about him). Last weekend, we helped my brother move out of his apartment and Miles had a great time crawling between all of us and then just took off walking across the living room, doing his dinosaur growl the whole time. He is such a little ham.

He could watch me turn my bedside lamp on and off all day and still get excited each time! He loves lights!

Walking with Uncle Ernie

My little baby is turning into a boy in what feels like a blink! 

I can't believe Miles is thirteen months old already. Even in just looking from last month to this month, he is so different- new teeth, new steps, new words... My absolute favorite thing is when he gives me hugs and kisses, because he's definitely not a clingy baby. To have my independent little explorer want to stop for a little cuddle time is always welcome and I treasure it with all my heart!

And, of course, before I go...new shoes! They're soft leather ballet flats from Zara with an embellished heel. They're a twist on a classic but I get so many compliments because I suppose people really notice a little extra bling!

Happy Thursday!

Sunday Brunch

This afternoon, Parker and I headed to SLO for a late brunch at the Granada Bistro. The recently renovated restaurant and hotel has quickly shot to the top of my favorite places to eat on the Central Coast. It was the perfect location for us to have some time to ourselves while savoring some amazing food and dessert (yes, in case you didn't know- dessert after brunch is perfectly acceptable but positively dangerous for a waistline!). Here are some photos from our brunch date:

Parker, the handsome devil that he is.

Such a gorgeous, sunny day in SLO!

Cherry cheesecake for dessert

After we got home, I decided to go out thrifting and found some amazing steals! A brand new Ali Ro dress for $5.95, jeans, and more dresses. I was so excited! This is my happy face after a successful outing to the thrift stores:

I hope you all have had a wonderful weekend. Happy Sunday!

Keep On Keepin' On

photo credit

This week has been pretty rough (thank you all for the sweet comments- they mean so much to me) and I'm so looking forward to starting the spring semester on Tuesday. I can't wait to get back to studying and learning, even though the winter break was refreshing and much-enjoyed. You know the saying- "when you rest, you rust"!

I've always been at a loss for an answer to that often-asked question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" There's just always been so much that I want to do. This week, in the midst of many tears, I felt a bit more clarity about the answer to that question as I pursue becoming a Certified Nurse Midwife. It's been years in the making and on my mind, ever since I saw my first real live birth. Without really talking much about it, I've been slowly but surely finishing up all the prerequisites I need for the BSN program and I've been loving it. Reading extensively about birth and pregnancy, talking with women and midwives, and especially witnessing more births has just increased my love for it. And during the time leading up to the beginning of the BSN program, I'm just excited to extend my knowledge with each day of class and dive in.

This weekend I'm heading to the store to stock up on all those "back to school" things: notebooks, highlighters and pens, a weekly planner. And, of course, at the top of my to-do list is renting my textbooks for the semester! I'm using Campus Book Rentals, a company that makes renting textbooks simple and affordable- I was excited to see my psychology book listed for 65% less than at my campus bookstore, and with free shipping- with a donation to Operation Smile for every book rented. You can even highlight in the books if you need to! Campus Book Rentals also has a sister site, Rent Back, where you can send in your textbooks from previous semesters, rent them to other students, and earn money each time your textbook is checked out. If you're getting ready to head back to school this semester, definitely go take a look!

Have a great weekend!

This post was sponsored by CampusBookRentals.com; however, the views and opinions expressed in this post are purely my own.    

The Anatomy of a Miscarriage

(My little ray of sunshine. I don't know what I'd do without him.)

Well, here we are. When I last wrote on Sunday night, I was filled with excitement for our first prenatal appointment. I want to tell you all what happened between then and now. It's safe to say that the elation and anticipation has subsided completely- I'm crushed and this isn't a feel-good post but I feel it's important to share because it's okay to talk about miscarriages and the feelings that go along with it. So here we go.

Monday morning we headed up to my doctor's office and I felt good about it. We walked into the exam room and my stomach was fluttering, just like it had been before I saw the peanut that would become Miles for the first time. Dr. K walked in and we talked for a minute, about Miles and how things had been going the last year. He started the ultrasound, and things got quiet. Things weren't how they were supposed to be, and he ordered some blood work- scheduled for two different days- to see whether my hormone levels were going up or down. After Dr. K left the room, Parker and I sat there silently and, without speaking, I got dressed and we left. My stomach felt like it was in a hard knot and a heavy sadness I can physically feel settled down over me. It hasn't left since.

I've had early miscarriages before that, had I not been paying attention, would've probably just been noted as a late period. This one feels different. I bought maternity jeans. I felt nauseous. I dug out all my pregnancy books and stacked them next to my bed, contentedly refreshing my memory about what biological wonder was going on in my body before I went to sleep for the night. And now there's no reason to do any of that anymore. It really, really hurts.

A few times I've had to stop myself from going to a place where I blame myself because I wasn't initially over the moon with the news of being pregnant. Thank God there are people in my life were quick to drag me back from that place as well. It's a scary place to be near. I know that this isn't my fault, but I know that I want there to be someone I can point a finger at and as far as miscarriages are concerned there is no one to blame. My doctor has been so kind but straightforward in reminding me of this- that miscarriages happen and the body deals with it, and then the soul deals with it, and then life goes on.

Emotionally, I've gone from stoic to sobbing. The tears have come at the most random times. Like when a song by Pink came on the radio. (When's the last time anyone's cried to Pink? Good gracious.) Or when I had just finished getting my blood drawn this morning. Nothing like getting a surprise bear hug from a busty nurse cooing, "Ay mami, no no no crying" and then walking out sobbing while everyone looks away awkwardly except for the one old guy who points a crooked finger and loudly asks, "What's her problem?"

Parker has been amazing throughout this whole process. I know he's going through his own version of sadness and hurt but he has been strong enough to be there for me and help me take care of Miles. He is just the best husband I could ask for. Parker's parents have also given us a lot of time just the two of us by having Miles over at their house a few times and that has been nice.

So, where do we go from here? I am sure that I will not be trying to get pregnant anytime soon. It's important to take time and work things through physically and emotionally and I want to feel like myself again, to be happy and enjoy life with Parker and Miles and continue on as a family. I know we will get through this together and I'm so thankful to have them in my life. If at some point Parker and I feel like trying for another baby, then I'm sure that's we're going to do. For now, though, I'm clinging to my family of three and loving them with everything I have.

Time Goes By...So Slowly

Yes, I'm quoting Madonna. No, I'm not embarrassed! It's perfectly fitting for how I've been feeling lately. Now that I've settled in to being pregnant again and getting ready for the crazy, wonderful ride that will be two babies, I feel like time has started crawling again. I'm taking this as a good thing (more time with Miles, more time to mentally sort everything out) but there's also things I'm so curious to know about this little Blueberry (that's what Parker and I are calling this one "in utero"- Miles was Bean). Thank goodness I have an appointment with Dr. K tomorrow- I want to see that little heart beating and make sure there's only one little Blueberry in there! 

Always looking at the lights

My little Bean

Baby Zoolander strikes again

That lip!

In the meantime, I'm enjoying spending as much time as I can with Miles. He is getting so close to walking full-time on his own but doesn't like it when he falls. I don't blame him. He is so dramatic sometimes, and it cracks me up- but if I actually laugh at his little antics, he'll just stick out his lower lip and lay his head down on the floor very slowly and turn his face away. Then he checks to see if I'm still looking at him. I'll rub his back and say, "Now, now, baby- come back and play with Mama!" and he'll decide whether or not he's done pouting (I don't dare laugh then or the whole thing starts over!). What I'd like to know is how a twelve-month old baby knows how to put on such a show!

I'll update tomorrow after my doctor's appointment! I hope you all had a good weekend.

3

Three years ago today, I married Parker. On our wedding day, I was so excited to just start our life together that I'm not sure I ever really thought about what our life would be like three years down the road. If I had thought about it, I don't know if it would've included two babies! I have always secretly worried that having kids would distance us from each other emotionally and romantically (neither have been a problem...wink wink). When Miles was born, though, I felt like we were more together than we'd ever been (I'm sure it was the adrenaline high of being new parents). Of course we have our moments of frustration, but those are short-lived; I really can't stay mad at him for long. If anything, having Miles has shown me just how lucky I am to have a partner in life like Parker. I could go on and on, but since becoming a mom he has given me some of the most important things a woman needs: the support of a best friend, a whole lot of zesty in the romance department, and a forgiving shoe budget. What more could a woman ask for?

...Surprise!

Last Sunday afternoon, Parker and I were sitting outside on the driveway while Miles was sound asleep in his car seat, just talking and enjoying the day. I can't remember what we were talking about, but all of a sudden it dawned on me that something hadn't come around for a while. Lucky for me, there's an app for that- I checked my phone and sure enough, that something should've come and gone a long time ago. "I think I should get a pregnancy test," I announced. "You're not pregnant," Parker replied. It was all very straightforward, most likely because we've had this conversation a few times due to wonky cycles ever since Miles was born. Let's not get into details.

Anyway, off to the store I went. When I got home and took the test I set it on the counter, washed my hands, and turned to walk out of the bathroom as I quickly glanced toward the test, just to confirm it was negative. I was actually halfway through my bedroom before I stopped dead in my tracks and ran back in the bathroom to see those two little lines.

My reaction, unlike the test, was not immediately positive. I had just come to peace with having one child, and I've been busy making plans for school over the next year. Parker and I had talked about taking a trip to New York, and a semblance of a good night's sleep had returned to our household. As I started to think about life with two kids, I began to panic.

Over the last week, my attitude has changed a lot. All the things I was initially fretting over are all things that can wait. School can wait. New York can wait. Solid nights of sleep (...sniff...) can wait- for a couple months, anyway. I realized that this baby is a gift and the best kind of surprise, especially after a not so easy road to getting pregnant the first time around. I'm thankful. Parker has been positive from the get-go; his initial reaction was, "High five! Who needs sleep?"

Time is going to fly from now until August, I'm sure of it. But I'm ready- and excited- for the ride.

One Year Later (and the New Year Ahead)

I can't believe it's already been a year since the day I met Miles. It was hard for me to imagine at the beginning, but my love for him really has grown stronger each day. He is a happy, adventurous boy and I could watch him for hours as he explores and tries to figure out how things work. He's very much his own little person and insists on doing things for himself (I wonder where he gets that from...hmm...) and I love it. He loves lights and besides saying "mama" and "dada", his first word was "light"! (Tonight, I turned on the Christmas lights on our tree one more time just to see his face light up in wonder again, wave his arms excitedly and exclaim, "Ligh'!") As a family of three, we've had a lot of beautiful memories and a lot of laughter. It was amazing seeing Parker transform into an amazing dad from the moment Miles was born; the mutual adoration going on there makes my heart want to burst on a daily basis. I can't wait to see how much Miles will change and grow in the next year, and how Parker and I will grow and change together as a couple and as parents.

This year has been wonderful and terrible all at once (I have a feeling that every year may be this way). With all the good times, there have been times of loss and sadness. Through those times, I've really been learning how to treasure moments that I otherwise might have dragged myself through (early mornings, mostly).

I'm a lucky girl to have such an amazing family- every day I spend with them is a beautiful day and I am so thankful. I'm looking forward to 2013.